


Painfully Awake

by Dominoes95



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Flashbacks, Future Fic, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Muteness, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prison, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-03-14 22:04:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3427205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dominoes95/pseuds/Dominoes95
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten years have passed since the murder of Sam Keating, he is finally being released. But there is not much left of his soul left that hasn't been broken. Connor's just a shell of his former self or is there more to it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Possibly more chapters

Connor Walsh woke up to harsh banging on his cell door, he pulled the thin blanket over his face ignoring the shouting from the guards to wake up. He didn’t give a damn about his life anymore he had tried to kill himself to many times to count in here. 

He was evaluated before the trial and the psychologist confirmed that he was suffering from PTSD and an anxiety disorder. The rest of the Keating three had been all shipped to separate prisons. Connor was sent to Pennsylvania State correctional facility. Where he spent the first three years in and out of the psych ward. Right now he was in general population, nobody around here spoke to him they all thought he was crazy and they knew he helped in a murder. Just none of the details. 

He would have a fit if anyone mentioned anything involving 2014. That year had been locked up in the back of his shattered psyche. He had no visitors since he arrived, his family cut him off disgusted at what he had done. He hadn’t spoken to Oliver since before he was arrested, he hadn’t even come to the trial. Which broke Connor's heart, or what was left of it. 

Bonnie had been the one to rat them out, she thought she was doing Annalise a favor and saving her career. There was nothing Annalise could do, even though she had promised to protect them. But all of them kept Annalise safe, never mentioning that she knew anything. So she could go on with her life and they could live their days in peace.

Connor hated lawyers, the thought that he ever wanted to be one made him sick. He had been so young and stupid back then. The now 31 year old’s life was now the routine of getting up eating, working and sleeping. 

He tried to avoid life by sleeping and skipping his medication, they had him on all sorts of drugs for depression, anxiety and mood stabilizers. The drugs made him tired and he always wondered if he should have killed himself before he was caught and locked in this hell.

He rarely spoke aloud, he would talk to himself in his head. Maybe if he was having a flashback or something he would scream but he never spoke to the guards or inmates. He remembered he used to talk a lot before prison, always hooking up with different guys. The thought of sex these days made him sick, he hated it. When he was in his first year here the older inmates had cornered him at work and held him down while each one had their turn fucking him. 

They thought he was an easy target because he didn’t talk which was probably true. He screamed and cried the entire time, he remembered the blood on the floor and the blurred trip to the infirmary where he spent at least a week. He didn’t say a word about who did it. 

He knew the guards pitied him when he first came here, they had all seen the story on the news about the four law students that got in too deep into a case and ended up murdering their teachers husband. But after ten years guards change and now he was just anonymous. He had heard now Middleton was famous for the murders that happened ten years ago. 

XXX

The door to his cell was opened and two guards and the psychologist walked in. “Walsh, get your lazy ass out of bed your have your appeal today.” One of the guards spoke harshly not caring how Connor flinched at the loudness of the voice. The psychologist was there probably to make sure he didn’t have a fit when he was brought to the appeal room.

This was his second one, he had one five years ago but he never spoke and stared at the floor the entire time. He had a panic attack when they even mentioned the crime he was in there for. He guessed they were being more careful this time. 

His counselor thought he was doing much better at controlling his anxiety even though he never spoke, which was a different issue all together. 

He followed the guard down the hallway through the maze like building where he was told to sit and wait. He sat in the hard plastic chair, he knew he would never be let out and this was just a waste of time. He didn’t even know if he wanted to be let out, he wouldn’t know what to do on the outside. Out there he could hurt people or people could hurt him, in here he was safe. 

By the time his name was called he was finished counting all the tiles on the floor, the only thing he hated was his mind was rotting in here. He needed to think, to figure out puzzles and stay sharp. That was impossible in here, the library was pathetic and had nothing of interest to him. He had no one on the outside to send him anything so he was stuck. 

XXX

The psychologist went in with him speaking quietly to the three people sitting at the front table. Then it started.

“Connor Walsh, accessory to murder one. Convicted May 17, 2015.” The first man spoke, reading off a sheet in his hand. 

Connor stared blankly at them, his dark hair falling in his face. “We were told you haven’t spoken more then a sentence since being admitted here Mr. Walsh.” The women on the board said, her eyes looked sharply at him.

Mr. Walsh, he hated being called that. It reminded him of back then.

Connor breathed deeply, nodding his head slowly at them. He was trying so hard to keep himself calm, he hated being put into psych. 

“The fact that you no longer speak does not mean you cant plead your case Mr. Walsh.” The third man added. “All the evidence we need is how you spent these last ten years helping yourself in this facility. You attend all your counseling, follow orders, and have not been an issue on any accounts.” He finished. 

All of this is a load of bullshit, this place couldn’t help a dog realize he had a tail. 

“So we are granting you parole, we believe you are no longer a danger to yourself or society. According to your counselors and guards.” The women finished. 

Connor looked up shocked, he really didn’t believe it. Getting out of here had never even been on his mind. The women smiled at his expression. 

Connor stood up, his legs were shaky as he headed out the door. His psychiatrist was speaking happily to him as the walked back to his cell. He just nodded numbly at the right times before the man left him. 

XXX

The next few days seemed surreal, he went through the motions in a haze. He had no idea why he was being let out. He just guessed he was too pathetic to even be kept in here anymore.

When the day came he was given the clothes he had come in with, a long sleeved shirt and jeans. He had a thin jacket over it. But it was winter now and he needed something warmer. He filled a bag were the few belongings he had brought with him. And then got on the transport outside, the guards just nodded and smiled at him as he left wishing him good luck. 

He watched the bare trees and snow as they drove through the countryside, it was January and there had been a lot of snow this year. He rubbed his hands together, trying to keep the warmth in. His clothes were too large on him now, he had lost a lot of weight in prison. 

Connor looked around the building they had stopped at, it was his new home until he was able to get his own place. The halfway house was located in downtown Philadelphia, not in the best area, Connor could not care less. 

He was given a key to his room, 204 written on the key chain. The room was small and bare, it had a bed frame and mattress and a desk and lamp in the corner and a small bathroom on the side. At least he would be able to get more privacy.

Connor looked out the window, he could see out onto the street and the city in the distance. The sky was a bleak gray and very depressing. He dropped his bag on the desk taking the items out. 

He put his books in a small stack and then his toiletries on the bathroom sink. He was told that he could get his bedspread and towels later in the day. He put his medication bottles out so he would remember to take them. He knew if he did not the withdrawals were nasty.

He was given a bank card to get some clothes from the thrift shop a few blocks away. It felt strange for Connor to be walking away from the building, on the street like any other person. The man walked slowly, taking in the area he was going to be staying. 

People walked quickly past him, busy going about their own lives. Connor went through the racks of clothes picking things that looked his size. He really didn’t care what he dressed like anymore, he was no longer a selfish kid. 

Once everything was put into bags, Connor pulled the coat and the gloves on. Now feeling much better he walked down the street examining the other shops on the avenue. 

He opened the door to a book shop, it seemed cozy and small. The shelves were filled with all kinds of books. He went towards the fiction section, he had taken a liking to reading fantasy since his real life was hell. 

He had been intently going through the new releases since prison never got any of the new books. When he felt someone come up behind him. 

“Those are nice, we just got a new shipment in last week.” The older man said to Connor. This made him jump, dropping the book in the floor.

“Oh, sorry. I have been known to be a bit quiet when going around. Are you interested in buying?” The man asked. 

Connor looked at him, he shook his head no. He had no money and had not started a job yet. The card he used to buy the clothes also was on the floor. The man picked both up.

“Oh your from the house a few blocks over.” He stated. Connor nodded, being alone with this guy was making him really tense. 

“I'm Sidney, I own this shop. I guess we are going to be neighbors.” The man smiled. Connor glanced down at his feet, not sure what to do.

“Are you okay? Do you not talk? Not to be rude or anything I’m just wondering.” Connor brought his hand to his throat. His brown eyes were watering from all the stress. 

“Well I normally get a few guys in here that want to stay up to date on their reading. Oh and I actually got an opening for a job. Shelving and stocking, it doesn’t pay much but you seem to like to read.” Sidney went on, the man really liked to talk. 

Connor's eyes lit up, the idea of working in a bookstore instead of doing heavy labor was quite appealing. Sidney smiled at his reaction. “I'll call the place today. I have had others work here in the past. Always hard workers.” He went on.

After listening to the man talk for a while Connor went back to his apartment putting all the clothes away and getting his bed set up before crawling in and falling asleep for the night. He was exhausted from the past few days and maybe he could get his life back to normal again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos. Hope you like this one.

The first few weeks of freedom seemed to go by quickly for Connor, he had to see his parole officer twice a week and go to work five days a week. He liked order and schedule since he grown so accustomed to it in prison. 

He liked his job, Sidney was a nice man about 50 who had inherited the shop from his father. He had two kids that lived out of state but they would visit with their families a few times a year. He never asked Connor much, mostly yes and no questions he didn’t have to speak for. There were two other employees that only worked part time, Connor tried to avoid them.

It was a few weeks into his job he was eating lunch in the back with Sidney. He was excited to start reading a new novel he had got. He was allowed to borrow the books if he kept them in perfect shape. It was their secret. 

“So, Connor do you have any family around here.” Sidney asked, trying to make conversation with the silent man. He knew something had happened to Connor that caused his silence but he didn’t want to invade his privacy. Most of the former convicts that came by were just angry at the world, Connor just seemed sad and depressed most of the time. He wished he could do more to help the young man, he hoped talking to him would help. 

Connor shook his head no he picked up the pen scribbling something on the notepad Sidney had given him to talk with. He pushed it over to his side of the table. 

“They don't talk to me anymore.” Was all that was written. That just saddened Sidney more, after getting out someone needed as much support they could get. 

“Any friends you had before you could see?” He asked hopefully.

Connor thought of Oliver for a second then pushed the thought away. The man probably hated him and had found someone else and was living happily with them. He shook his head no wishing the questioning for today was over. 

XXX

That weekend Connor went to the library and looked up Oliver, it turned out he was still living in Philadelphia he found where he worked. At a computer security company now. For the heck of it he looked up Annalise and was shocked to find she was still living in the same place and working like nothing had ever happened in that house.

Just the thought of that house made him feel sick. He closed his eyes trying to take deeper breaths like the therapist had told him. He had no idea how long he had sat their breathing but it calmed him down. He shut of the computer and left feeling very anxious.

It was Monday after work that he took a bus to the other side of the city, the nicer area. He found the building Oliver worked at so he found a cafe across the street and took a seat facing the window so maybe he could get a glimpse of Oliver. 

He must have been there for about an hour before he saw people leaving, Oliver was one of them. He watched as he spoke with his co-workers then walked off probably to his car. 

Later that night Oliver was all Connor could think about, he looked different but he was still attractive. He still wore glasses and smiled the same. Connor slept better than he had in years that night.

He began going to watch Oliver every day after work when he didn’t have therapy or have to meet his parole officer. It was the highlight of his week, but he had no idea how the man would react if he actually went up to him.

The scenarios he had made up were probably much worse than what would actually happen. Connor wished so badly he could say something to the man. He tried to speak but every time he tried his chest would hurt and he would get to anxious to try. 

The therapist said that if he continued healing mentally it would come back on its own. Connor still tried to force himself but that just made him more upset. 

XXX

He had forced himself to face his fears, it had been two months since he had been released. Connor was standing at the gate to Annalise's house. Connor was full of dread and agony but he forced himself to walk up to the door.

He opened the door feeling it was unlocked he didn’t bother knocking, he felt a surge of fear knowing that she was the reason his life was a complete mess. 

Everything looked the same, he tried to ignore the spot where Sam's body had been that night eleven years ago. Connor could hear voices in the other room, he peered around the corner seeing four students working on the same couches he had worked on all those years ago. 

“Hey who are you?” A girl noticed him. He just glared at her walking farther into the room. The kids were staring at him now. The door to Annalise's office opened and she came out with Frank probably hearing the commotion.

“What's going on out here?” She asked the students. “I think someones here to see you.” One of them said nervously. She looked over seeing Connor standing there, her expression was shocked.

Frank was not pleased however. “Get out. If you're here for revenge its not worth it.” He whispered, standing close so no one would hear. Connor just glared at the man, he was sick of his attitude. 

“Frank its fine, please come into my office Mr. Walsh.” She sounded weary. Connor followed her, the door shut behind them. 

Before Connor knew what was happening Annalise was hugging him. “I thought I would never see any of you again.” She whispered. Connor was extremely tense from the physical contact.

“You were released, god I cant believe its already been ten years.” She said sadly releasing her embrace. Connor just nodded. His eyes were burning like he was going to cry.

“Whats wrong?” She asked noticing his silence. He pulled the mini note pad out his flipping to a page then showing her. “I cant talk.” 

Her expression fell, “Oh, I’m sorry. Is it an injury?” She wondered if he had been hurt in his time in prison. She tried not to think about her old students because it would just depress her.

Connor shook his head no, then tapped a finger to his head. She realized he meant it was psychological issue. 

Annalise had imagined what she would say if she ever saw one of them again but now she didn’t know what to even say. She felt so guilty, they all should have graduated and become lawyers by now but there futures were screwed because of her. 

The man looked so thin and pale, he had been through hell because of her. She had ruined his future and it was more painful actually seeing one of them in person. He had definitely aged, no longer the bright eyed law student who wanted so badly to impress her. He was now felon, not able to ever become a lawyer or have any criminal justice career. 

There was nothing in his eyes, no drive at all. It just made her want to turn back time and fix everything. But she knew that was impossible. 

Connor wrote something with a pen he had and showed her. “Don’t blame yourself. Its my problem.” 

She sighed sat down and motioned for Connor to sit next to her. “It is my fault, I promised to protect you guys and I failed.” 

“You did your best, I’m not angry anymore that wore off years ago I just want to live my life in peace now.” Was what he wrote next.

Annalise smiled. “You sound so grown up, you're not a kid anymore. You know, you can visit anytime you like.”

Connor nodded, “What happened to Asher?” Was what he wrote next. He had always been curious about what happened to the other boy. He had been shocked when the four of them had been arrested.

“He graduated became a lawyer, hes even married and has a kid. He comes to visit sometimes, he likes to help the students. Told him he could take my job when I retire but he's not so sure.” 

Connor smiled imagining Asher as a father, but he also felt a twinge of jealously. He had what Connor wasn’t able to have. 

“Do you want me to tell him you came by?” She asked. Connor shrugged not really caring. “You can stay as long as you want I don’t mind.” Annalise told the man.

Connor nodded his head no showing her the paper. “I have a 9 pm curfew.” Was what he wrote. 

“That’s fine, have a good night then Connor.” She said hugging him goodbye. Connor smiled as he left feeling much better than he had in days. He guessed it wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. 

 

XXX

There was fire, Connor felt the heat of it like it was really there. He could replay that night over and over again in his head. He thought of everything they could have done to avoid killing Sam and it made him sick thinking about it.

He woke up screaming in the middle of night, he glanced at his clock it was around four am. He guessed visiting Annalise must have brought back the more violent nightmares. 

The smell of blood made him ill. And being in prison that was bad. He remembered seeing a fight his first year in there. Blood every where, he couldn’t breathe. He could see Sam's body on the floor in the dark house. He remembered having to chop it up into bits and putting it in garbage bags.

He woke up in psych several hours later tied down. Apparently he had a panic attack and had to be sedated. He hated the doctors always trying to “help” him by giving him different drugs and trying to get him to talk about what happened. 

He wanted to die so badly the first few years, he was in a deep depression. He almost succeeded but there were always people around to stop him. He remembered when one of the inmates had a thing for him. Connor ignored the man, he thinks his name was Cole. 

He couldn’t tell anyone what was happening, he wanted to so badly. Cole would somehow find him when he was alone. He would shove Connor against the wall and touch him. Connor would fight of course, but he was smaller and weaker.

It was in January 2016 when he was raped the first time, he had been walking around the back of the yard. He was jumped when he went behind the building. 

Cole had another guy hold him down while he had fucked him. He had his hand over Connor's mouth muffling his screams. He was soaked from the snow on the ground and freezing, there was blood in the snow and that made Connor sick. 

Cole had let the other guy have his turn after him, probably part of his arrangement. But Connor was in to much pain to fight back this time. When they were done they just left him there in the snow, Connor could care less if he died.

He remembered laying there for hours, waiting to freeze to death but someone had walked by. A guard saw him and called for medical. It was all pretty blurry but he remembered waking up in the infirmary for the first time that was not his fault. 

He wished he had died in the snow.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for more good comments on this fic. I literally wrote this chapter in two hours from 5-7 am. I couldnt believe how fast the words kept coming.

It was becoming warmer out with each passing day, Spring was near and Connor couldn’t wait. He began visiting Annalise about once a week, when Frank and her interns were not there. Connor was relived to hear she fired Bonnie after she had sold them out to the police.

 

He decided to be brave and go up to Oliver, he had been writing down different things to say but couldn’t decide what he should tell him.

 

Connor was sitting in the cafe he used to watch Oliver at, sipping on a latte. He saw the man coming out with several other people. He watched as they came across the street and they actually came into the shop.

 

Connor's heart was racing, he didn’t expect that at all. He was in the corner so they couldn’t see him. He watched as they took their orders. Oliver had wondered off looking at the merchandise on the shelves.

 

Connor knew this was his only chance, he clutched his notepad in his hand and slowly walked over to the man. The first thing he noticed was that he was shorter then the older man. He shook his head trying to calm himself down, his anxiety was acting up.

 

He went over to the shelf next to the one Oliver was looking through and began pretending to go through that one as well. He could see out of the corner of his eye Oliver was not looking at him. So he “accidentally” knocked one of the bags of coffee to the floor.

 

That made Oliver look up. Connor knelt down quickly to retrieve it.

 

“Hey you okay?” He asked, his voice sounded so familiar it made Connor want to cry. He had forgotten what his voice sounded like after trying to remember it so many times during those long nights in prison.

 

Connor nodded quickly looking up into the mans eyes for the first time in ten years. Oliver looked startled.

 

“What the... Connor Walsh?” He was speechless. Connor nodded standing up setting the coffee on the shelf.

 

The staring was making Connor really self conscious, so he wrote something down quickly.

 

“Nice to see you again.” He showed Oliver the paper. “Yeah, I thought you were in prison.” He stated confused.

 

Connor flinched at the mention of prison. “Sorry, I'm just processing this. Lets sit down.”

 

Connor led him back to the corner table that he had been sitting at, his drink was still there. Oliver noticed the other man was nervously twisting his hands though his shirt.

 

Oliver sat down, the man in front of him was nothing like the Connor he remembered. That man was arrogant, confident, and could do anything. The Connor now just looked like a washed up version of the old one. Oliver had so many questions but he didn’t know what to say.

 

“I'm sorry about what happened between us.” Was what Connor wrote next. Oliver shook his head. “It was years ago, I was just so shocked you got caught up in that kind of thing.”

 

Connor nodded, he was barley making eye contact which worried Oliver. The guy seemed to have little to no self esteem left.

 

“How come you're uh...” He pointed to the notebook Connor had in front of him.

 

“Psychologist said it will help me express myself.” Was all that was written next. “So you don’t talk?” Oliver was confused by this. He read about people becoming mute after being through a traumatic event but he had never seen it in person.

 

Connor nodded, his eyes were wet with tears. He probably thought Oliver was judging him. “Hey, whats wrong?” He had never seen Connor cry. The younger man was staring at the table trying to calm himself down.

 

“Hey come on, why don’t you come over to my place, I bet you'll be more comfortable there.” Oliver suggested. Connor nodded in agreement his eyes still red.

 

Oliver was nervous leading Connor to his car, he thought he would never see him again and now he just appears at the coffee shop outside his work. That was a little weird.

 

The drive home was silent on Connor's part. Oliver mindlessly spoke about what he had been doing the past ten years. He had moved into another apartment, farther away from the campus. He lived there with his boyfriend Taylor. They had been together for about three years Oliver had told him in the car.

 

The apartment was nicer than the last, it looked more lived in and it made Connor feel at ease. Oliver walked in setting his stuff from work down on the counter. “Taylor is out of town for work this week so I have been trying to keep up with all the chores, that’s more of his thing.” Oliver said nodding to the slight mess in the living room.

 

Connor was still standing in the doorway not sure where to go. “You can go sit on the couch, you don’t have to ask permission.” Oliver joked, his smile calmed Connor's frantic heart.

 

Connor sank down on the soft leather, he hadn’t been in a place this nice in so long. His apartment was a step up from a cardboard box. He closed his eyes breathing in deeply to relax himself. At least Oliver was civil and hadn't told him to screw off the second he came over to him.

 

Connor felt the couch sink down next to him, Oliver had changed into jeans and a sweatshirt.

 

“You feeling better? You seemed really stressed at the coffee shop.” Oliver asked gently. He seemed to catch on the Connor's mental state was not at its best.

 

Connor nodded and gave him a weak smile. “I've had a rough couple of months.” He wrote.

 

“Yeah, I can see that. If you don’t mind me asking when did you get out?” Oliver asked.

 

“About two months ago.” Was his answer.

 

“That's good, I know you probably don’t want to talk about it but I watched all the news on the trials and everything. I felt so stupid that I didn’t figure it out, that night you came in acting crazy. You weren’t on drugs you just disposed of a body!” Connor flinched at the volume.

 

“But that’s the past, I understand that you couldn’t tell me. From what I heard the guy was a real bastard anyway.” Oliver finished.

 

Connor smiled at the last part. “You were too kind to me, I did awful shit and lied to you. Why don’t you hate me?” Was what Connor wrote next.

 

“I really liked you, and I knew you guys only killed him as a last resort. I'm sorry I never came to visit, I would not have known what to say.” Oliver said sheepishly.

 

“Its fine, I never got any visitors anyway.” Connor replied.

 

“Oh god, now I feel bad.” Oliver laughed. That made Connor smile.

 

“So what was it like, prison I mean.” Oliver asked.

 

Connor's face fell, he shook his head not wanting to answer that. “Oh sorry, that probably makes me sound like an ass. It wasn’t like you were on vacation or anything.” He was rambling.

 

“It was hell.” Was all Connor showed him. “Damn sorry, I just ruined the mood.” Oliver sighed. “Do you want any dinner I have leftover pasta and chicken.” He suggested.

 

Connor agreed, the two sat at the table eating quietly. Connor checked his phone it was already 8:30, he was panicking. He had to be back by nine and the buses were slow.

 

“Hey is something wrong?” Oliver asked noticing Connor's change in composure.

 

“I have a nine pm curfew and I need to get back.” Was what he wrote.

 

“Really? Nine is kind of early. Cant you just say you'll be there late?” Oliver asked.

 

Connor shook his head no. “Or if I cant get back and I have to call with the address I’m staying at.” Was what he wrote next.

 

“You can stay here. You'll be a lot less worried about getting back on time.” Oliver suggested.

 

Connor shook his head no again. “I cant trouble you, you already let me stay this long.”

 

“No its fine, whats the number?” He asked. Connor wrote it down and slid the paper over to him.

 

He called and they asked him a bunch of questions and they said that Connor needed to be at work on time the next morning.

 

“They said its fine. You just need to get to work the same time as always. Where do you work anyway?”

 

Connor was relived, he missed being around Oliver. “I work at a bookstore.”

 

“Oh that’s nice, you always had books with you. Anyways you want the bed or the couch?” Oliver asked.

 

Connor just pointed to the couch. “Are you sure? You are the guest.”

 

“Your couch is more comfortable than any bed I’ve slept on in over ten years.” That made Oliver laugh.

 

“Alright, I’ll get you some blankets. It gets kind of drafty in here at night.” Oliver said standing up.

 

Connor nodded and took the plates to the sink and washing them before putting them in the dishwasher.

 

About two hours later after watching a movie Oliver loaned Connor some clothes to sleep in and the made the couch up.

 

“Goodnight, if you need anything just get me.” Oliver told him before heading off into his own room.

 

Connor smiled getting under the soft blankets, he wasn’t lying the couch was really soft. He drifted right off to sleep within minutes.

 

XXX

 

_Your Honor these four students knew the law, if they were not involved in this scandal they would have called to police the second Mr. Keating was dead. Yet they decide to take the body into the woods, burn it and chop it up and throw it in a dumpster._

 

_That is not the work of innocent people, they all knew Mr. Keating killed Ms. Stangaurd and were keeping it from the court to help their own case._

 

_Connor's head was spinning as he listened to the prosecutor spew lies to the court. He could barley breathe let alone think straight. He saw his mother and sister in the back of the courtroom, they wouldn’t even make eye contact with him._

 

_He scratched at his wrists with his nails, trying to feel something other than stress and panic. Someone grabbed his wrist, he saw blood dripping where he had scratched to deep._

 

“ _Mr. Walsh you need to calm down, take even breaths.” His psychologist told him quietly. He began cleaning the flayed skin. The gauze was wrapped around it snugly._

 

_We find the defendant Connor Walsh guilty of accessory to first degree murder. Connor could hear the cheers in the courtroom, people that thought Sam was a good person wanted to see his murderers go away. He watched as the courtroom emptied out, his mother and sister didn’t even come to say goodbye to him._

 

_He was already wearing handcuffs so he was being pulled out of the court room. He couldn’t breathe, his chest was burning, he was having another panic attack. His vision went foggy before he knew what happened he had collapsed on the floor._

 

_He vaguely remembered being put in the van and being transferred to prison, he woke up in the psychiatric unit, really out of it and confused._

 

 

“Connor. Connor!” He blinked open his eyes. Oliver was above him, worry clear on his face.

 

He felt sick from the nightmare he had just had. Connor felt tears running down his face his breathing was shaky.

 

“You were screaming. I couldn’t get you to wake up.” Oliver told him. Connor clutched on to Oliver's shirt, his shivering getting worse.

 

“Are you cold?” The older man asked. Connor shook his head no, burying it in Oliver's shirt tears soaking the fabric.

 

Oliver didn’t care, he held the man tightly in his arms. Whispering soft words of comfort to him. After about ten minutes Oliver felt the grip loosen and he noticed Connor's breathing even out. He laid the man back down and covered him with the blanket gently.

 

He glanced at the clock and noticed it was almost seven he had to go to work in two hours and also bring Connor to work. But he had no idea if the man was in any state to work after a panic attack like that.

 

He sighed, deciding to shower than worry about what he would do with Connor later.


	4. Chapter 4

Connor was still asleep when Oliver came out a half hour later. The younger man looked so calm he really didn’t want to wake him up but he knew he had too. He gently grasped his shoulder shaking him gently, not wanting to induce a panic attack like earlier.

He wasn’t stupid he knew Connor had some issues, he wanted to help but he wasn’t sure how. It was obvious Connor had been deeply effected by the murder and being in prison. He couldn’t imagine Connor in prison, he had been such a sweet loving person before everything had came out. 

Connor had been fine the last time he had seen him ten years before. They were slowly working on their relationship and then one day he stopped answering his phone. Oliver was really worried but soon saw the news and he was shocked that Connor had been involved in this. 

But as all the information came out Oliver realized that it was true. He had seen the video of Connor's trial which was public. He had looked nothing like the man he loved, he looked pale and sick. And sat with his head down Oliver wanted to see him but they wouldn’t allow any visitors while the trial was going on. 

But once Connor was sent away Oliver tried to forget about him and go one with his life. He tried dating several different guys over the years but it was not the same. Taylor had been his longest relationship he ever had and he was confident they would be together forever.

Seeing Connor after all these years really shocked him. It brought back all the painful memories of the past and Oliver wasn’t sure how he felt about that. The fact that he couldn’t even speak was a sign of how mentally damaged this had made Connor. He made a note to himself to look up selective mutism later so he could understand it better. 

He shook Connor again this time the man opened his eyes. He looked panicked, sitting up quickly he looked around.

“Hey Connor, its alright your in my apartment. Remember?” Connor looked at him the man looked confused but he was no longer upset. 

“You want to go shower? I'll make us some breakfast before I take you to work okay?” Oliver asked hesitantly. Connor nodded slowly pulling the covers off his legs. 

Oliver sighed once he heard the door close to the bathroom. He wasn’t sure if he was doing anything right with Connor or if he should even had let him stay at his house. He knew the man wouldn’t hurt him he just needed a friend. 

He pulled out some fruit from the fridge and cereal he began to eat while he waited. He heard the shower turn on. It was only five minutes before Connor came out again already dressed in his clothes from yesterday.

“Well that was quick.” Oliver stated. Setting the bowl down in front of the other man. Connor looked down water was still dripping from his hair. He was so used to taking quick showers he never really thought about it anymore. He had always showered early in the morning when most people were still asleep he hated the way some of the guys would look at him if he went in later.

Oliver poured the cereal for him and pushed the milk over to him. Connor ate quickly, he didn’t really care what he ate anymore as long as it sustained him. He got over his picky attitude a long time ago. 

“Thank you for letting me stay here.” Connor had wrote on his paper before they left. 

Oliver smiled. “Its fine Connor, here let me give you my number.” He wrote it down on the notepad.

Connor smiled, he was glad Oliver was willing to see him again. The two left and Oliver drove him back to his apartment. He knew this was a pretty rough area and he wasn’t sure how he felt about Connor staying here. He felt protective of the younger man.

“So how long are you staying here for?” He asked as he set the car to park. Connor shrugged scribbling down an answer. “Until I have enough for my own place or the government kicks me out.” Was what it said. 

“Why would they kick you out?” Oliver asked. “Too many people getting out need a place to stay.” Connor wrote. 

“Oh, well remember to text me so I can see you again.” He said as Connor opened the door. Connor smiled and nodded at him as he headed into the building. 

XXX

Sidney noticed Connor was in a better mood the second he walked in. He knew the younger man normally faked his happiness but today it seemed genuine. He could hear Connor humming softly to himself as he passed by him sticking price tags to the new shipments. 

He still picked at his lunch, the man barley ate and Sidney was always telling him he was too skinny. Connor just shrugged him off. 

“So you seem like your in a better mood today.” He said as Connor sat down. The man just nodded opening the lunch he had packed.

“Anything interesting happen?” Sidney asked curiously. Connor gave him a half smile and nodded. He wrote something in his book then slid it over to Sidney. 

“I saw an old friend.” Sidney smiled. “That’s great, what did you guys do?” He was being nosy as always. 

“Went to his house and ate dinner and watched a movie.” Connor wrote.

“Like a date huh.” Sidney joked. Connor made a face “He has a boyfriend.” He wrote. 

“Oh too bad. You know I could set you up on some dates if you want, some of my customers are single and looking.” Connor shook his head no, he was not interested in any relationships. The thought of it scared him, mostly being vulnerable to someone. 

“I'd be an awful date.” He wrote. “You know that’s not true, I think someone hurt you very badly in the past and your afraid to put yourself out there again.” Sidney spoke seriously.

Connor clenched his fists under the table trying to relax his rapid heart. “I know you wont talk about it but were you in a relationship before you were in prison?” The older man asked.

Connor nodded yes. “I'm guessing he broke it off after you were arrested.” Sidney asked. 

Connor sighed and wrote something down. “He was who I was with last night.” 

Sidney was surprised by this, he didn’t think Connor would want to see this man again if he had hurt him so badly. 

“I have no one else, my family wont talk to me.” Connor wrote. His head down. 

Sidney had grown to care for the young man he reminded him of his son a bit, he was a lawyer in New York. Connor had told him he was in law school when everything happened, Sidney had looked up Connor's name the first day he had met him. 

The information he had found was disturbing, there was a lot of people involved in the scandal yet only the students were the ones to go to prison. It made no sense, he understood why Connor would never talk about it. He saw a picture of Connor from ten years earlier he looked drastically different, his hair was brushed neatly and his eyes gleamed with ambition, probably to become a successful lawyer. 

XXX

After work Connor headed back to his apartment he was exhausted from the previous day and work. He lay down in his bed think things over. After a while he heard someone knocking on the door. Connor sighed getting up and opening the door. It was his sister's husband, he didn’t know what to do.

“Connor? Hey I know you weren’t expecting me but I didn’t have your number or anything.” Mark said. He was tall with brown hair and looked mostly the same except for being older. 

Connor opened the door wider letting him in. “Gemma got a call about your release a few months ago. She's not sure if she wants to see you. I'm in town for business so she told me to stop by to talk to you.” He went on. 

Connor was sitting at the desk chair, his head was down. “I spoke to your parole officer to see how you are doing. He said you have selective mutism caused by the PTSD from the crime and your time in prison.” His voice was harsh.

Connor felt tears burning in his eyes, Gemma didn’t want to see him. 

“You know you ruined the family Connor, do you even feel bad about what you did?” His voice rose.

Connor breathed in heavily he could feel an anxiety attack coming on. Tears were running down his face.

“My kids asked for years what happened to you and I couldn’t tell them. There almost in college now, but they know what a fucked up person their uncle is.” 

“Why are you crying? I thought you would like to hear about all the lives you ruined because you helped kill a man.” Mark hissed.

Sam's dead body flashed through his head making Connor feel sick. He stood up going into the bathroom and splashed cold water in his face. He was shaking badly, the murder was playing in his head and wouldn’t stop. Why was he triggered so easily? 

Connor heard the door shut outside, he sighed with relief and laid back down in his bed. He felt sick, the memories of his family made him feel worse.


	5. Chapter 5

Connor's depression grew worse in the next few days. The visit from his brother in law had taken a lot out of him. He thought about his sister and if she really hated him as much as Mark said. His mother practically disowned him when she heard about what he did. She had always been so supportive of Connor and would brag about him to her friends. Gemma used to tell him this when he visited from school.

He was organizing the shelves in the store his head hurt, the man had barley slept in days. The nightmares had gotten worse, he tried to think about Oliver and when he would see him again but he always went back to dark thoughts. Connor was thinking about dying constantly, he knew it wasn’t healthy. He lied to his therapist telling her he was doing good, lying about the bad things. 

His vision blurred, the words on the books were illegible to him. He gripped his hands together tightly feeling pain in his chest.

He got up and went into the back room he collapsed on the couch, he tried to control his rapid breathing. He never had a panic attack at work and he didn’t want to start now. He put his head down watching the floor blur under his feet.

“Connor?” He heard Sidney's concerned voice above him. He looked up at the man, his eyes were watering. 

“Just breathe alright.” The man said his hand was gently rubbing his back, it seemed like he knew how to deal with panic attacks. 

After a few minutes Connor's breathing had calmed down he watched the young man wipe at his watery eyes. Sidney was concerned, he had never seen Connor have a panic attack. The man always kept his emotions extremely well guarded around other people. 

Connor looked exhausted his eyes were red and his skin was pale, anxiety took a lot of a person. His hands were visibly shaking when he wrote a few words on the notepad.

“I'm sorry.” Was all it said. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for Connor. When was the last time you slept? You look exhausted.” Sidney asked. “Not much too many nightmares.” Was all the man wrote. 

It broke Sidney's heart to see Connor so strung out. “You need rest, I’ll let you go early if you promise to get some sleep.” The older man said. Connor shook his head “Don’t bother I cant sleep unless I’m completely drained.” He wrote. 

Sidney could see Connor's nails digging into his hand, blood was slowly flowing down the back of his hand. 

“Connor, you're hurting yourself.” Sidney exclaimed softly. He pulled Connor's hand away checking the damage. It was minimal but the fact that Connor didn’t even seem to notice scared him. 

“Sorry, that happens sometimes when I’m stressed.” Connor wrote pulling his hand away flexing it before deciding it was fine. 

“No come upstairs, you need to wash this.” Sidney told the younger man. Connor let himself be pulled up the backstairs to the small loft above the store. It was homey and warm, the warm water startled Connor but he was used to it quickly.

Sidney had taken out the first aid kit and gently dabbed the rubbing alcohol against the scratched hand. He noticed older scars on Connor's hand and more that peaked out from under his long sleeved shirt. He didn’t doubt that Connor had self harmed at some point he hoped that was over. He wrapped the hand with a soft gauze before sitting Connor down at the table. 

The man looked deep in thought, tears in his eyes. Sidney knew Connor was getting worse, he wondered if Connor's therapist was aware. 

“Connor did something happen? You can tell me.” The man asked gently. Connor let out a broken sob, his head fell lower making his hair fall over his face. Sidney could feel the anxiety radiating off the younger man. 

“I need to go.” Connor wrote with his shaky hands. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, I don’t want you to be alone right now.” Sidney said worriedly.

“I''m going to see a friend.” Connor wrote, wiping his face then standing up. “Do you need a ride?” Connor shook his head no before heading back down the stairs. He pulled on his jacket and bag and headed home. He had lied to Sidney and he felt incredibly awful, the man was the only one that cared about him. 

His apartment was dark and depressing when he got back, just like he left it. Connor dropped his things by the door and pulled off his shoes. He went into the bathroom splashing his face in the cool water, he looked at himself in the mirror. He picked up one of the pill bottle sitting on the sink clenching it tightly. 

He poured some into his hand, the urge to take them was so bad. He just wanted the pain to end, he swallowed them. He took about 20 pills before walking out of the bathroom and curled up on top of the covers of his bed. 

His phone buzzed, Oliver had texted him about some random thing that happened at work. He had been doing that for days now probably trying to be friendly. Connor almost never responded.

He pressed call listening the ringing was calming, he was feeling lightheaded. 

“Connor?” Oliver answered. Oliver could hear Connor breathing on the other end. “Connor whats wrong?” Oliver knew something was wrong immediately.

Connor's choked cries made Oliver's stomach turn. “Hey calm down. Do you need me to come over?” He knew Connor wouldn’t answer but he tried anyway.

“I’m....so tired.” Connor whispered hoarsely. Oliver could barley hear it but it was there. “Why are you tired Connor? Oliver asked worriedly, the younger man was acting really strange. 

“Took...something. Going to sleep.” Connor whispered again. “What did you take?” Oliver demanded to know. “Pills...lots of pills...never going to be hurt again.” Connor whispered. 

Oliver felt like the air had been sucked out of the room. “I'm coming over, are you at home?” Oliver asked hurriedly as he rushed out the door. “I’m going to die...finally.” Connor said. 

“Connor I'll be there in a few minutes stay on the line while I make another call.” Oliver said quickly as he got in his car. He dialed 911 telling them what he suspected had happened and that they needed to hurry. He told them the address of the place Connor was staying before he got back on the line with Connor. 

“Connor? You still there?” He couldn’t hear anything except soft breathing, Connor had probably passed out. He probably broke a lot of traffic laws to get across town in only ten minutes. Oliver pretty much parked his car on the sidewalk not caring at all before racing in to the building. 

He probably looked crazed, he quickly told the person at the desk what had happened and their eyes got wide. The quickly led him upstairs and used the master key to open the door to the small apartment. Oliver raced in looking around the mostly bare room before seeing Connor curled up on top of the bed in the corner.

Connor was still he wasn’t breathing, his skin cold and clammy. The worker had gone downstairs for help. Oliver pulled him off the bed onto the floor to perform CPR, he vaguely remembered what to do.

He pushed as hard as he could on Connor's chest before giving him oxygen, he felt the ribs break under the pressure. Oliver must have done it around five times before Connor began choking and gasping for air but he didn’t wake up. He held the man tightly against him not wanting to ever let him go. Tears were streaming down his face, he was so scared.

The EMT had arrived and made Oliver lie Connor back onto the floor. He told them he had given Connor CPR because he stopped breathing. They strapped Connor down into the stretcher as they were yelling orders at each other. They told Oliver what hospital they were going to before rushing out. 

Oliver was shaking, he never felt so helpless in his entire life. He knew Connor had been through some awful things but he never thought he would want to kill himself.


	6. Chapter 6

Waiting was awful, Oliver wondered if Connor had anyone else. He never mentioned his family before so he didn’t know. It was late, Oliver watched the hours go by. He texted Taylor what had happened so he wouldn’t be home that night. He had told Taylor about Connor after he slept over last week that had resulted in another fight. Taylor thought Connor was using him like he had done in the past. They had been fighting constantly about this making Oliver even more stressed.

When the doctor came out he spoke to Oliver for a few minutes about Connor's condition before leading him to the room. Connor had overdosed on his anxiety medication which would have been deadly if he hadn’t been there in time. The doctor said that Oliver saved Connor's life, they managed to get a lot of the drugs out of his system before the damage had become fatal. 

Connor would need to stay for three days for a psychological evaluation after waking up, Oliver sat by Connor's bed watching the monitors next to the bed. Connor looked so small under the covers, Oliver gently took his hand avoiding the IV tubes injected into the man's arm. 

Hearing Connor's voice again was sad under the circumstances but it made Oliver realize that it was still the same Connor he had loved many years ago. He wanted so badly to protect him but he couldn’t protect Connor from his own mind. 

The next morning had come quickly for Oliver who barley slept at all. He looked up as a man entered the room he introduced himself as Connor's parole officer Nathan Burns. 

“Whats going to happen to him now?” Oliver asked. “Well the doctors need to do the psych evaluation and see where hes at.” The officer said. He didn’t seem too concerned that Connor had tried to kill himself.

He left within a few minutes to get information from the doctor about Connor's condition. Oliver had taken work off for the day to stay with Connor in case he woke up. 

 

Sidney had been devastated when he was told what happened the next day. After arriving at the hospital he found the room, after knocking he pushed the door open and came in. 

Connor looked awful, he was so pale. The monitors gave off a soft noise in the background. There was a young man sitting by Connor's bed. He wondered who he was since Connor rarely spoke about anyone. 

“Hello.” He greeted. The young man looked up startled. “Oh hi, sorry I haven’t slept much.” He apologized. 

Sidney took a seat next to Oliver looking down at Connor's still form. “So, are you a friend of Connor's” He asked. 

“We used to date a long time ago. I just saw him again for the first time last week.” Oliver said. 

“Oh, you were the one he was talking about. Connor rarely spoke about himself with me. I told him he needed more social interaction.” Sidney said. 

“Yeah, how do you know Connor?” Oliver didn’t know who this guy was or why he was visiting Connor. 

“He works at my store, for a few months now. Hes been having a hard time, I knew something was wrong but I let him go anyway.” Sidney said sadly.

“This is not your fault, Connor decided this on his own. Its not the first time either.” Oliver said bluntly.

He had hacked into Connor's prison records to find out more information about his time there. What Oliver found was disturbing, he had tried to commit suicide several times and the prison didn’t seem to do anything about except put Connor on more medication and in therapy. There was numerous files on trips to the infirmary, there were very few details but what he got was that Connor had been sexually assaulted more then once and it made Oliver feel even worse. He couldn’t tell Connor he knew this because that would probably ruin the little trust between them.

The way Connor acted now was the outcome of years of abuse. He was timid, fearful of rejection and lacked all the self confidence he once had. 

“I saw him once last week, he didn’t seem depressed or anything.” Oliver sighed.

“Connor has had bouts of depression since I’ve known him, they normally only last a week or two but this time he only got worse.” Sidney said.

“Something must have happened.” Oliver muttered.

The next two days while Connor was unconscious Oliver and Sidney visited as much as they could. It was three days by the time Connor woke up.

XXX

 

The room was a bright white when he opened his eyes, Connor's head felt heavy and his mouth felt like sandpaper. He noticed his achy body as the room came into better view.

The hospital room made him tense, the memories quickly came back. The drugs he had taken, why was he so stupid! He should have left town to kill himself. Staying in his apartment was the perfect way to get caught.

Connor sighed softly pushing himself to lean up against the pillows, his vision blacked out for a few seconds from sitting up so quickly. He was sore and had an awful headache but other than that Connor felt alright. 

He looked over when the door slid open and a nurse came in with a clipboard in her hands. She smiled seeing his eyes open.

“Finally decide to join the living Mr. Walsh.” She said cheerfully as she checked his vitals and IV's. She then busied herself writing notes on her charts. “You missed your visitors, they've been here for hours every day.” She went on.

Connor looked up in surprise, he wondered who would visit him. He knew it wouldn’t be Oliver he already had a life without him and didn’t need this trouble. Sidney probably replaced him already, he wished he had just died it would have been so much easier. 

“Nice guy, said his name was Oliver. He was really worried stayed all night when you were brought in.” The nurse said sadly. “I'll get the doctor and he'll be by soon, alright?” She asked.

Connor was already lost in thought. Why did Oliver care so much about him? Oliver said he'd forgiven him for what Connor did in the past but he had a boyfriend now. 

He was tired and had no idea how long he had been out and nothing to communicate with. He slid back down laying back on the pillows falling asleep within ten minutes. 

XXX

The next few days were hell for Connor, the psych exam only made him feel like killing himself more. He couldn’t speak so they had him write, he only did the minimum of what was asked of him. He probably shouldn’t have told the psychologist he was still suicidal. 

The doctors hushed whispers outside his room and the constant monitoring told Connor he was on suicide watch. He hadn’t seen Oliver and wondered if the nurse was telling the truth when she said he had been here. 

 

His parole officer entered the room one afternoon, an annoyed look on his face. “Heard you aren’t doing to well. You should have told me before you tried to kill yourself.” Nathan said coldly.

Connor huffed turning on his side away from the man. “I can't help you Connor if you don’t let me. We've been over this for months, I don't like to see you fall apart like this.” His voice gentler.

Connor pushed the notepad out from underneath the blanket so the officer could see it. He picked it up reading it. “I want to see Oliver.” 

Nathan sighed, Oliver was the guy who had visited Connor constantly the first few days. During the evaluation Connor wasn’t allowed any personal visitors. It was a stupid rule but he guessed he could get the guy here.

“I can get Oliver if you tell the doctors whats wrong so they can help.” Nathan said. Connor just nodded from his spot with his back still turned. 

Nathan left, he hoped Oliver could get Connor out of this suicidal mindset. He really cared about Connor, getting to know him all these months he found out what awful circumstances led to his time in prison. He wanted to help Connor get better and regain his independence but so far it had been difficult with his PTSD controlling his life.


End file.
